"I used to think the whole business of birthday cards was bizarre. In Clinton’s I’d agonise, searching for a design uniquely personal enough to justify the £4.95 I’d be spending on a colourful bit of old tree out of pure custom. I’d realise too late the impossibility of trying to convey any real meaning and receive in response the usual generous half chuckle, translation: “do you really need to watch me read this, and when can we get onto the actual presents?” But that was before. Now I’ve seen the light, I sneer at such outdated cynicism, and it’s because I’ve experienced greetings card perfection. On the cover: I can’t remember it doesn’t actually matter what was on the cover. On the inside: an offer for “margaritas and ribs on me”. Signed: lil sis. As I say, perfection. So it came to be that Frank and I were sitting on the pavement of an uninspiring back street trying to catch the last of the evening sunshine, facing south but into trees providing protection for a primary school, slightly chilly shade for us. A Boris bike docking station, a boarded up block of flats and the melancholy light blue arse end of a ‘middleware solutions’ company office block were also within our line of sight. This wasn't important to Frank and me, who were there to eat a lot of meat and do a little bit of chatting, but because this kind of thing matters to some people: the leading photo on this review site, from the restaurant themselves, instead shows the sun dappled gleaming white arse end of a 60s American muscle car, cleverly taken or edited to evoke the vivacious sunny southern States rather than this drab and lifeless part of London. Anyway. The menu was stunning. It was the kind that two meat loving siblings could have perused in three separate realities and ended up with three completely different orders; the kind that induces a sort of mental tetris trying to fit everything complimentarily together: if we get the brisket there’s no point getting the brisket loaded fries; if we get fries at all does that leave space for the mac cheese, etc. That kind of thing. (It was also the kind that for non meat lovers there was very little to choose from; a solitary, mocking ‘vg’ describing a ramekin of sad sounding homemade baked beans. The selection process me in Clinton’s all over again might have been the best part of the meal. Maybe a touch harsh; maybe the build up to a meal out generally just is, like Christmas, often better than the main event, but the food was... good. Just good. The meat came out in great big unceremonious piles like third hand clothing at a kilo sale, with a few colourless pickles and a barbecue and a red (not tomato y like a ketchup or salsa but not spicy sauce served in those paper sauce holders you used to get at McDonald’s when you were allowed to serve yourself out of the big squeezy tubs. There was no kind of seasoning at all on either beyond some pepper a nice idea to let the smoke and the meat itself dictate proceedings, but it wasn’t quite of a good enough quality to do that. The first bites were awesome, the middle bites involved picking around the fattier and less appetising looking bits, and the last bites weren’t exactly fought over, which says a lot. We had pork ribs and mutton shoulder; writing this now, admittedly over a month since our visit, it’s difficult to distinguish between the two. Look, we had a good time: we had a few cocktails, the service was slightly cheeky which I like, and the mac cheese was unbelievable, but ultimately I’m not sitting here now wishing I had a forkful of Joe’s stuffed in me gob, despite the whole Texas smoked meats shtick being right up our alley. In fact, maybe that’s it: if you’re looking for some decent, filling, reasonably priced grub to satisfy the undiscerning carnivore in you, you could do much, much worse. But if you consider yourself a bit of an aficionado, this isn’t going to end your search for the ultimate cookout. If you’ve got a birthday coming up, expect an offer to be taken for margaritas and ribs on me. Just not at Texas Joe's. Meal type: Dinner Price per person: £30–40 Food: 3 Service: 4 Atmosphere: 3"
