"Christmas sales: the best of times, the worst of times. The primal urge to hunt and gather after a season of avarice, sloth and binge drinking; the hysteria of the great unwashed, sharpening their teeth for the Primark Battle Royale and camping outside Curry’s for a billboard-sized plasma TV.While I’d normally rather chew batteries than endure the bedlam, the need to acquire a mattress is pressing. And so, into the valley of discount we ride, braced for an afternoon of feigning sleep in successive department stores.The absurdity is not lost on us – after all, mattress testing is to mattress usage what the Pride Festival is to the Soviet May Day Parade.It’s not that I’m above sleeping fully dressed, or, for that matter, getting into bed without first removing my shoes (although I’ve only got Mrs Wifey’s word on that).What I will not support, however, is sweaty shoppers watching me spoon the wife. It’s just undignified. Several dormitories later, I therefore dig in my heels, and (in the name of realism) refuse to continue until she fetches the duvet.With no comfort blanket forthcoming, I vote for comfort eating instead, and, having seen Nando’s purportedly famous chicken across the road, suggest we pop over and roost a while.Inside, it’s not what I was expecting. From the looks of it, I’d assumed it was a restaurant. Having been shown to our seats, we’re directed back to the till to order and pay.‘Pay before I eat?!’ cries my inner bourgeois pig. ‘What kind of a half-cocked chicken shack is this?!’Reason overcomes my middle-class prejudices After all, is a fast-food joint that looks like a restaurant really that odd? I mean, in Paris, so they tell me, you can buy a beer in McDonald’s……while in Norwich you can buy mash with your chicken.As combinations go, it sounds as intuitive as custard and vinegar. I choose not to choose mash.It’s a classic rock/hard place trade-off. The fries are uninspiring – like low-calorie communion wafers without the spiritual benefits – not a good look for a joint specialising in chicken and chips.The peri-peri chicken, by contrast, is wolfable, and easily worth the paltry it costs for a so-called “whole chicken” and a couple of side orders. Coming in four quarters, however, said chicken is mathematically rather than physically complete. Expect pedants to cry fowl."
